


Regrets

by QwertySnek



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon - Manga, Manga Spoilers, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 11:16:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7712779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QwertySnek/pseuds/QwertySnek
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They say that when you're about to die, your life flashes before your eyes... It's true, but you don't have the time to remember everything. Just the important events, and the important people closest to you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for chapter 84, but... Probably not the ones you're thinking of.

Time slowed to a standstill. Everything just... Stopped. His eyes glazed over and... 

Suddenly, he was seven years old again. 

Seven years old, and even then he was following Reiner around like a little lost puppy, doing everything the blonde told him to, even if he knew it would get them into trouble. Running from their farming work in favour of climbing trees and doing what boys did best; getting dirty. 

"I'm bored with this..." The young blonde huffed, throwing down the pitchfork in his hand. He would always get bored halfway through the job, leaving the last few horses hungry and in dirty stalls until Reiner's father came to finish the job and go look for his disobedient son. 

"But Reiner..." It was always the same. He'd always try to change his mind, always try to protest. Of course it never worked, because he always went along with what Reiner said. Such carefree times, and even the smallest thing his buff friend would say, he'd go along with. He even tried to take the brunt of the blame most times, not that Reiner would let him, of course. He was a good friend like that. He was a good friend, period. Reiner always looked out for him, always made sure he was happy and always tended to any injuries he may get. They were almost always Reiner's fault. 

"Come on, Bert. We'll just go up into the hayloft and have a nap, it'll be fine." He grinned that boyish, toothy grin of his and Bertholdt caved, just like he always did. He just couldn't say no to Reiner. With a defeated sigh, he gently set down his own pitchfork and followed his strong friend out of the stables and into the barn, clambering up the ladder after him. Reiner was scraping together some loose hay into a pile, making a comfortable makeshift mattress for them to sleep on. They both knew it would be plenty warm enough with the two of them on hay. 

Soon enough, the two of them were curled up side by side in the hay, drifting off to sleep snuggled into the warmth of the other, little smiles on their faces in this peaceful time. Life didn't get any better than this. No worries, no problems, just the two of them and nothing else. Bliss. 

Four years later, and things weren't so simple any more. 

"Do you understand what you have to do?" 

"Yes, sir." Chorused the two of them, eleven years old and no longer bearing the innocence of the children they were. They had a task, and a gravely important one, at that. This was for their people, their kind, and it had to be done. There was no other way. 

The two of them left to sneak off to their positions, which wasn't so hard with all the training and such they'd been through to prepare for this. Today was the day and now was the time. Bertholdt would start it, and Reiner would end it. End it for today, but they both knew this was going to last years. This was bigger than they were, and they both knew it. There was a third addition to their party now. Annie Leonhardt. Bertholdt liked her, though he wasn't really sure why. She was cold as ice and hard as steel, but maybe that's what he liked. He didn't have to protect her, like guys usually did for girls. No, she could look after him. He was the one who needed caring for. But she wasn't needed today. Her job came later. 

They were in position, and the time had come. Bert could see his own hands gripping the top of the wall, but he could barely feel them. He was looking down at the houses and the tiny people below, but not really seeing them. He was blind to the terror below, just as he had been trained to be. No. He had been trained to not care. He had taught himself how to be completely blind to it. It was easier that way. 

One leg slowly lifted, and he allowed the memories of carefree soccer games with Reiner and an old, half-flat ball they had found one day fill his memory. It was as easy as that. He was just kicking a ball. He felt his foot smash through the wall, and imagined laughing as the ball sailed off like the chunks of brick and stone he could see raining down and flattening houses and the people inside them whole. 

His job was done. Hands let go of the wall and he retreated, finding a spot in which he could curl up and cry himself to sleep in safety. 

Training had been easy. So easy. Taxing on his body, yes, but so unbelievably easy on his mind. He wasn't about to let himself lapse like Reiner was though. Reiner's state of mind was becoming increasingly worrying, and he frequently had to drag him back to reality before his blonde friend allowed himself to fall too deep into the illusion they had created as a disguise. He was getting too close to these people... Worrying about them too much. 

Bertholdt was really starting to worry about losing him, but... That incident on the roof... It restored his hope and his belief in his friend. Also, more importantly, his trust. Reiner had been the one to take the leap. Reiner had been the one to give the order. The order to... The order to 'Take off his ODM gear'. So his loyalties lay in the right place. That hadn't been a happy day for any of them, but his was another death on their shoulders. His life meant no more than the hundreds of other people they'd killed. Not exactly a reassuring thought, but it stopped them staying hung up on it. Starting the ball rolling was one thing, but...

Joining the Scouts instead of the Garrison wasn't a decision that should have been made. It was a direct denial of orders, but did it really matter in the long run? It hadn't, had it? It was probably for the better that he hadn't, not that he could have known that at the time. 

The jokes told... The meals shared... The time spent... All of it, worthless. 

None of it meant anything to any of them when they found out. As much as he tried not to let it, they meant the world to Bertholdt. Such lighthearted time with good friends was hard to remember without crying when they all hated him. He regretted everything. If only he hadn't met them...

Going on the run, forming plans... None of that had been any good. 

Annie was trapped, and the both of them had ended up with their limbs cut off. They'd been together, though. Until Zeke took Reiner. 

"Bertholdt... sorry, but I don't think I can save you." 

The words were haunting him, here in his final moments. Until another, more urgent thought flashed into his mind: 

"Anyone, please save me!!" 

He never even got to say goodbye. 

Was that his scream of terror? 

"Annie!" 

His pulse roared in his ears. 

"Reiner!!" 

A choked sob. 

Then everything went black.


End file.
